


catching smoke

by petasos



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Age Difference, Dark Forest (Warriors), Emotional Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Manipulation, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Past Character Death, Past Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22346263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petasos/pseuds/petasos
Summary: She failed. And she can never, ever, forget that. So when she's trying to breathe as she runs, it's like inhaling smoke, and she hates it.
Relationships: Hawkfrost & Ivypool (Warriors), Hawkfrost/Ivypool (Warriors)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	catching smoke

**Author's Note:**

> some more of my previously-written fics. this one was never finished, but was originally my most mature work - i was fourteen when i wrote it, wanting to write about the relationship between hawkfrost and ivypool, 'cause i shipped it. it was going to be about ivypool and hawkfrost needing to reconcile and shit in order for hawkfrost to actually 100% die and quit "drifting" as a ghost and move on.
> 
> it took me a while to realize that it was... really gross... so, looking @ this fic now, i'm adding the abuse and manipulation tags.
> 
> (originally there was some stuff actually via hawkfrost's POV but i removed it to romanticize it less.)

She's breathing heavily as she faces him, her eyes filled with rage and distrust and hatred. Her tail flicks and her ears are flat against her head and her claws dig into the dirt and grass. She can almost imagine them digging into his fur, his skin, making him bleed all over the grass...

"I taught you well, didn't I?" he hisses, taking one too-close step towards her. She can feel his breath, hot and sticky and it smells like blood. He starts grinning at her, like he knows where this battle will lead.

"You taught me _nothing._ " Her voice catches in her throat like she's eaten something spiky.

The trees around them sway in the wind, but she's sure they're all about to break. A smile flits across her face. It's more a furious smile than a pleased one, and the look on his face at that is priceless. Utterly priceless. "You taught me _nothing_ at _all_!" She's soaring through the sky, claws out, right at him. He ducks out of the way, laughing like a maniac, and she hits the ground and rolls out of the way of his oncoming claws.

He laughs even harder at that. "You do well, _Ivypool._ "

She flies at him again, rage written across move she makes, and digs her claws right into his heart.

He's laughing again as he breathes his last. "You are just like me..."

And then she wakes up, about to scream her head off.

* * *

The way the leaves are falling actually seems a bit serene, but it still jolts Ivypool, back into that dream. The one she has every night, the one where she's killing him. Over. And. Over. Again.

"Ivypool! Could you help me with Hollykit and Firekit for a second?" Cinderheart asks. Ivypool turns to her former mentor, eyes widening slightly, and then she realizes what Cinderheart asked and nods. "They won't stop annoying Purdy..."

"The young 'uns aren't annoying me," Purdy says, smiling as the light gold she-cat and dark gray tabby tom climb all over him. "So, do you want to hear one of my stories, kits?"

"Or maybe we could push a tree over you!" Firekit says sarcastically, climbing over his sister and jumping to the ground.

Ivypool laughs, but it's a bit forced. Sometimes she imagines what it would be like to have kits. Hollykit is really sweet, Firekit's the exact personality-mirror of Jayfeather, and she's really happy for Cinderheart... It just hurts, sometimes.

Squirrelflight walks past and Ivypool whips around when she says her name, and it sounds just a bit like Dovepool talking to her. "Ivypool, would you be willing to go on a patrol with... Uh... Who's free?" she says, almost absently, to Cinderheart.

"No idea." Cinderheart cracks a smile. "I'm pretty sure Lionblaze is, though. And Dovewing."

"Oh!" Squirrelflight laughs shakily. "Could you get Lionblaze and Dovewing to go on a border patrol? ShadowClan's up to their usual antics, _again_."

Ivypool gives her a short nod, and hurries to find them. Dovewing's sitting by Blossomfall and eating a mouse, while Lionblaze is half-arguing with Jayfeather.

"Can I come?" Hollykit asks, nosing Ivypool's leg and glancing up with the largest blue eyes Ivypool's ever seen. "Pretty please?"

"I'm sorry, Hollykit," Ivypool says, "But maybe when you're a little older, alright?"

Hollykit bounces up and down. "Really?"

"Really."

Ivypool manages to get Dovewing and Lionblaze to both come - Jayfeather gives her a strange look, and even though he's blind and can't see her, she can tell he's getting the bittersweet pain off of her. She hates that pain, the one that makes her feel numb inside and sort of destroys her. Needless to say, it makes her confused.

"We're patrolling the ShadowClan border?" Dovewing says, perking up.

Ivypool rolls her eyes. "Yes. But..." _That doesn't mean you're going to see Tigerheart,_ she thinks with a stabbing pain. Maybe, a long time ago, she might've liked him. Just a tiny bit. But why would she even admit her long-gone feelings?

* * *

As they're walking through the forest, on their way to patrol, Dovewing pulls her back a bit.

"I've been wanting to tell you... I'm expecting kits," she says, giving a sad smile to Ivypool. Ivypool can almost feel the shock hovering in the air as it slowly sinks in.

"With who?!"

"Uh... Tigerheart... But don't tell any cat, alright...? Jayfeather only told me yesterday, and it's just that I didn't think it was going to happen... I'm sure he's going to be really happy."

Ivypool's eyes widen. "You're having kits... With a _ShadowClan_ tom!? Are you crazy, Dovewing!?"

Lionblaze stops to stare at them, but Dovewing flicks her tail to keep going. He keeps walking, and Ivypool can't take her eyes off Dovewing. Anger filters through her, starting at her tail and ending up somewhere in her voice. "You're one of the three, you can't just betray your clan like that! You're supposed to be a ThunderClan warrior!"

Dovewing digs her claws into the dirt. "I know. I just thought that you'd be a _bit_ more accepting," she adds, contempt seeping through her voice.

"Don't you remember what happened to all the other she-cats who went around with other clan cats? They never get accepted! I don't want that -" She freezes.

And not because of what she's going to say.

Because she could've sworn she saw _him_ for just a split second, standing in a sunbeam, looking at her in pain and hatred and sadness.

The sweetest sadness she's ever seen.

"...For you..."

Dovewing glances at where she's staring. There's nothing there, though, not anymore...

Ivypool's heart sinks, and she swears she hears something break from somewhere behind her.

He's not there.

She's surprised at how disappointed she is, at how much she wishes he'd come back somehow, but then she realizes how horrifying that would be and everything inside her just slams down and she stops praying in every breath it's him. Because if it was him, the clans would be in so much danger. If it was him, the clans would die... Somehow.

Dovewing glances at her. "Are you alright?"

"No. I'm not alright." she says, and she turns away and starts running after Lionblaze, hoping they get to the ShadowClan border quickly enough, because she just wants to put that behind her.

_Are you alright?_

_Are you alright?_

_Are you alright?_

What a stupid question. Of course she's not alright... She's in too much pain to worry about breathing. And she realizes, it's not just because of Hawkfrost. It's because she failed to defeat him herself, she failed to save Hollyleaf.

She failed. And she can never, ever, forget that. So when she's trying to breathe as she runs, it's like inhaling smoke, and she hates it.

Lionblaze looks at her, as if he's confused. "What's wrong?"

"I... I'm not sure," she admits, because she's too bewildered and hurt and angry to understand herself. She wishes she could just have one last chance to make everything right again, to fix it all up. Her heart races when she imagines erasing her mistakes.

Except she can't have that chance.

* * *

_Twigs lash across her face and rake through her pelt. She claws her way up the tree. "Faster! Higher! Now JUMP!" shouts the cat, voice incessant and strong._

_She's sure she'll break her neck..._

The memory stings. Her eyes snap open and she glances around, fearing that someone might've heard every word. But no cat has. She's safe. Ivypool yawns sleepily and tries to let sleep overcome her again, but fear trickles in and it won't let her rest.

So she decides to just leave camp for a bit. She's in no danger...

A leaf lands on her back and she glances around, trying to take in the colors she can barely see. Ever since Dovewing told her the truth, she's felt... lost. It's almost as though she can't see anymore.

She feels as blind as Jayfeather.

When she closes her eyes, she hears the screams and sees Hawkfrost, covered in blood, standing right in front of her. Her heart hammers in the back of her head, just a relentless noise and a distraction from everything else around her.

She can smell the forest.

Warm. Cold. Hard. Soft.

Pine needles and squirrels.

Wet leaves. Moss. Dirt.

She needs every smell. It keeps her sane, this one little second she wishes could last forever. It's just a moment, but she wishes she could freeze it and live in it for an eternity. Every time she sets down a paw, she feels it ripple through her. Painless.

Perfect.

Perfection is just a word. She can't deny that.

_"We're not doing any harm," she mews. But inside she's shaking. "Just setting markers."_

_Dawnpelt snorts. She doesn't believe that. Perhaps she's trying not to, with everything she has. "I'd better check where you're putting them." Her voice is a growl, a hiss, understandably pained. "I'll tell Blackstar if any of them are a leaf's depth out of place," she adds, sniffing the marker Ivypool has just placed._

_"Feel free," Hollyleaf retorts, a laugh in her eyes. "If you can find anything wrong, I'll tell Blackstar myself."_

"Ivypool."

Ivypool glances around. The voice comes from somewhere behind her, and the only thing she catches is a small glimpse of a cat in a tree. She looks up and tries to discern who exactly it is.

"Who's there?" she calls.

The voice sounds modulated, if a bit thin. "I've missed you, Ivypool. It's been _such_ a long time..." She can almost see the cat smiling. She blinks back the fear, prays it doesn't show.

The cat leaps down.

If she thought it would be Hawkfrost, she's wrong.

No, the black-furred tom before her is a cat completely different. He smells of WindClan. Of the moors. And what is he doing here, his amber eyes burning into her fur and possibly into every secret she's ever had?

Ivypool's dark blue eyes flit across the tom's face.

"B-Breezepelt. What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit you, of course," he whispers, taking a step towards her. "I was wrong about my feelings for Heathertail. I think I should have been looking for you..."

_How...?_

Her eyes widen slightly as the thought crosses her mind that maybe he's here to hurt her, to make her pay for having lied to the Dark Forest... For betraying them... But she remembers his father telling him to leave the fight, and him obeying...

Breezepelt's eyes are scanning her, as if she's a piece of freshkill.

Ivypool speaks before she can find her voice. "You said you would make me regret killing Antpelt. How is trying to convince me to be your mate going to help you with that?"

"Hmm." Breezepelt tilts his head to one side. "I don't remember that."

Except she knows he could never forget that. She killed his clanmate... Maybe even his _friend._ Cats just can't forget things like that.

She has innocent blood on her paws.

_But he wasn't innocent. And you did that to prove yourself._

_To Hawkfrost!_ she reminds herself. _To Tigerstar!_

She takes a step away from him. "You are on ThunderClan territory."

"Am I?"

Oh. She never...

"Yes," she says, realizing he's only trying to mess with her head. "Yes. You are on ThunderClan territory. I'm going to peacefully ask you to leave. If you do not, I will have to speak with Bramblestar... And he'll have to discuss your trespassing with Onestar."

And then she realizes.

Right behind him.

Watching her with unblinking eyes, almost as if frozen in time.

_Hawkfrost..._

Breezepelt laughs. And then stops laughing when he sees the look in Ivypool's eyes. He slowly turns around, eyes widening, and then darts into the forest. Away from her. Away from...

"Hawkfrost..." she breathes, scared stiff.

He takes a step towards her. "I'm so sorry."

And then, as a ray of sunshine trickles through the trees, he's gone.

* * *

Moons have passed since she thought she saw Hawkfrost. It's strange, the crystalline frost forming on everything, and the kits running around her, and that someday she might be a queen herself. Except that isn't what she wants and she can't see that ever happening. No, Ivypool as a queen is just raw and unnatural and strange.

"Ivypool..." Her sister walks over. Two perfect brown tabby toms walk beside her, Flamekit and Darkkit. Dovewing... Maybe she's lucky to have kits, but Ivypool just can't see her sister being a good mother to them.

They look so much like Tigerheart that Ivypool's heart aches.

She didn't know she liked him that much. Not until after it started breaking her.

Hollypaw, Ivypool's new apprentice, rushes up to her mentor. "Ivypool! Are we going hunting yet?"

"Not yet, but soon," Ivypool reassures her, smiling at her eager apprentice.

Hollypaw dips her head and runs off to be with her siblings. Dovewing gives a slight smile. "You're lucky that you get the chance to mentor her," she says. "As Lionblaze's daughter, I'm sure she's going to be a great fighter."

Ivypool laughs shakily. She's trembling, like a leaf about to fall, because she still can't get Hawkfrost out of her head.

"I'm sure." she mews in response, her voice small and frosty. If it were a color, it would be white, because white is barely in the forest. And Ivypool's head is like that, not entirely there.

Then Dovewing frowns. "Ivypool, you know you don't have to shut us out..."

There it is again. 'Us.' As if she's speaking for the whole clan. No, they don't care about Ivypool - of that, she's perfectly sure. They don't care that she's plagued by more self-doubt than all of the other clans put together, or that she doesn't even feel real most of the time, and how alienated she is by all of this.

If she was real, she still needs to be told that.

And next thing she knows, she's in the forest with Hollypaw, teaching her how to hunt. Her voice is disembodied: is she really saying that or is it some other cat? She sounds so small, so afraid... Like a kit torn from her mother.

"Look!" Hollypaw shrieks, leaping at a bird. Feathers fly everywhere. The bird tries to escape. And blood. In Hollypaw's fur and on her claws and on the feathers. The feathers, landing around Ivypool.

Ivypool scrambles backwards.

Blood and -

She can barely breathe. Dizziness settles in and she's sweating like crazy, and then, numbness. Her head is screaming.

Hollypaw is going to kill her. Just like Hawkfrost tried to kill her... Just like everyone she trusted tried to kill her... Her vision blurs and she shakes her head to get rid of it. It has to go away now. The buzzing in the back of her head, it's just helping the screaming along.

"Ivypool?"

She's jolted back to the forest and takes a few steps away.

The buzzing and the screaming stops.

She's shaking, and she turns away from Hollypaw. "Let's... Let's get back to camp."

Hollypaw nods. She's already forgotten Ivypool's little moment, where she wasn't there... No, she was back in her dream...

_"You are just like me..."_

Her heart pounds in the back of her throat and she ignores everything, letting it blur around her, as she walks back to camp. Ignoring it is the only option. She whips back and stares at her apprentice. "Don't forget to take your bird to the freshkill pile," she says, giving her a smile. "I'll be in camp in a second."

Hollypaw nods and bounds off.

She's trying to get her bearings together, trying to figure out how to breathe properly again, when she sees a wisp of smoke coming towards her.

_Smoke._

Her eyes snap wide open.

_FIRE._

Her first thought is to find the source: is it a wildfire, or just a little thing? But no matter what, it could consume the forest, devour everything, destroy every last piece of life at the lake... Snuff it out.

But she can't find the fire.

The smoke settles in the breeze. It stings her eyes and burns her tongue and her nose. She can't figure out which direction it's coming from... Her stomach starts to get nauseous, and she runs in a circle, around trees and bushes and leaves and a few squirrels and some birds.

No fire.

No, she's trying to catch smoke that doesn't even exist.

_It's... not real._

She starts calming down when she realizes that. It's not real. She's safe from any fire.

Her clan is safe.

And then the smoke disappears, leaving a partially confused Ivypool to try and sort out her emotions and the pain consuming her.


End file.
